By the nature of my personality, I dislike sharing any personal vulnerabilities with anyone. I will never explicitly distribute this piece of writing to any of the people who know me persona do its thing. If no one ever reads this page before this website eventually goes down, so be it. If they find this page, hopefully they can understand why they shouldn’t be sad.
I am content with dying.
I remember reading a YouTube video comment some time ago. I faintly remember the video was sad, but I found the top comment to be quite funny: The world is better without me, so I have to keep on living. It is a nice comment. To some people, it might hold a lot of meaning. To some others. it might just be a clever remark. For me, I can’t resonate with it. If I know clearly that the world will be better without me, I will be too ashamed to stay alive. In that case, cowardice will most likely prevent me from taking my own life. Cowardice will also most likely prevent me from living any semblance of a productive life, overcoming the crippling damage this knowledge will bring to my self-worth.
I am a weak person hidden under the covers of my strong fear of disappointment. On the surface, I look like a great person. I am nice to everyone, I try my best to help people out, I study and work hard. I also stay consistent in the gym. But all of these stem from my fear of disappointment. I don’t like to disappoint people. Therefore, I run away from any situation where there is a possibility of confrontation and making other people uncomfortable. I work hard because I hate the idea of me being lazy and useless. I work out to temporarily forget about the hatred I have for my looks and my body. If one day, illness struck me so that I could not work out to at least experience the illusion of bettering my physique, while slowly sink back to how bad my body looked years ago, I wouldn’t know what to do. It would remove another way that I could forget about my disappointment in myself.
I used to have this thought: If I never stopped training, learning, and working, then I will forget about my thoughts. It does work. When I am fully immersed in these tasks, I forget about all the negativity that I force upon myself. But amidst any busy day, I inevitably pass by a mirror, where a habitual glance reminds me of my ugliness and uselessness. I know all of these things about me best. I hate each thing I do and each thing I say. I am embarrassed of myself.
I don’t really know if there are ways to change. I grew up without help from my parents, whom I am not close with. I can’t physically bring myself to say any affectionate or meaningful things to friends. I become intently uncomfortable when I talk about myself and attempt to express any complex emotions that I feel. Also, I don’t feel like this should happen to me. I did not grow up in poverty. I had a very fortunate and comfortable upbringing, so I shouldn’t be feeling this way.
As you can see, I don’t want to tell anyone about any of this. Things will get messy as I become a patient in everyone’s eyes. I don’t like this prospect, so I soak everything up and slowly dry off. I fully understand the importance of asking for help. But I am what I am. I can’t handle the impact and consequence of asking for help. So, I will not ask for help.
So, as you read this, hopefully you understand a little about why you shouldn’t be sad if I die. I will not kill myself because I am too cowardly to give up and waste all of the money and resources that was spent on me. But, if I die from other causes, please don’t be sad. You might feel mad or disappointed in yourself that you did not see this in me. After all, if this letter was written by a close friend, I would be upset at myself for not helping him/her out. But I really hope you stop feeling this way. It is really in the nature of my character to hide as much of this as possible from everyone. Dying for me is a nice relief. I may feel terrible pain as I experience the processes of death, but I no longer have to deal with all of these feelings and emotions. Please know that I will be happy and satisfied.
I really hope that I leave no trace when I die. I used to joke with myself that my ideal way of dying is tripping and falling into lava. That way, people would not have to look at my even more disfigured and ugly body and face alongside the signs of death. I also thought that I needed to write a note demanding that I get cremated immediately. But on a second thought, I chose not to. I didn’t want to arouse any possible suspicion. I also would feel better if my organs were put to better use. They would contribute more to society than me.